Originally posted June 12, 2006:
I went to see Baby M on Saturday.
I do a really good job of hiding my feelings from others and I do a really good job of not letting myself feel. Not this time. I made it through the visit and it was fun to see her so active and to have so many mannerisms that are mine. She is me. It is heartbreaking.
J and B always take good care of my feelings, but I am almost getting to the point where it feels like I am intruding. The first few minutes felt akward and uncomfortable. Like we were waiting for the other to react or to say something that wasn't quiet right.
Baby M was so intent on me and was watching me. She was comfortable with me right away. Does she know that she came from me? Is there an invisible link that no one can see that reminds her? She asked me to pick her up, she gave me things and she was comfortable with me touching her and being around her.
J and B took some fantastic pictures of me and Baby M. When I was looking at one of them on the camera, tears came to my eyes. She finally looks like me. We have huge smiles on our faces and she is my mini-me.
I don't regret.
I don't blame anymore.
I have lost my anger.
All I have is love.
Love for the daughter that I lost.
Love for the parents that keep her safe and allow her to be apart of my life.
There is pain and tenderness when it comes to Baby M...but it reminds me that I have done what I needed to do. What I did was right and was good.
She will be loved. By many many people.
I love you baby girl, don't ever forget that....