Thursday, December 28, 2006

Finding comfort

Originally posted May 24, 2006:

I have found several birthmother blogs over the last week and I am so glad to see that I am not the only one that is struggling. I no longer feel so alone and desperate. I feel like there are people that actually understand me and understand what I am going through. Maybe its wrong...but it feels better to know that there are others out there that know what I am dealing helps.

My biggest regret in the whole adoption process is that I didn't find a birthmother to talk to before I had Baby M. That I went through it blind and buried my feelings for two years. Now that I have found several that seem to echo my same issues and sentiments, it feels easier.

My anger is dissipating (and this time I think for good). I am facing the hurt, the guilt, the regrets and the pains head on, instead of burying it. It doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would. It doesn't feel good...but it doesn't feel bad.

I am going to put some links up of other birthmothers to visit. They are wonderful, supportive and caring woman that have traveled relatively the same journey is me.

I also found a really cool woman that is trying to adopt and I LOVE her points of view and the way she writes about adoption. Doesn't make me want to stab her in the eye like the "other" one does.

Thank you to everyone who is consoling me in this journey through my madness....I appreciate all the comments and support.


Originally posted May 22, 2006:

I was out sick Friday. I just wasn't feeling well and needed sometime. I slept the whole day away. It was good. It was nice.

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful and kind comments. I really appreciate all the support and kind words that were left for me.

I think I have found a place for the anger and am learning how to release it. I know that some people use anger to transform into other things, but I cant and don't. My anger is destructive, to me and other relationships, so I have to learn how to let it go or to handle it so that it is not destructive. I am working on that...but I think I may need to go back on drugs...though the drugs I did take for awhile didn't really help, so I would want to try something else. I tried Lexapro and Prozac but neither of them really worked. Though, Jamie says that I was more even than I am now. He is probably right.

The hurt of loosing Baby M has finally come to the surface and maybe now that I am dealing with it, my anger will lesson and I will be able to move forward.

Thanks again for all the wonderful things and for checking on me....I am settling down and hopefully able to move forward through the anger.

Blabby: I wrote down your email and I will shoot you one sometime today...I deleted the comment as you asked. THANKS for leaving that for me!!!


Originally posted May 18, 2006:

I am consumed by anger. And I mean, consumed.

I am not an angry person...I am easy going and basically unflappable...but lately my anger is so hot and strong, it is hard to control.

I know the general source of my anger, but not the true reason.

I have no strength left to hide and camouflage it anymore.

Plus the desire to put on the happy face is gone. Gone.

(Words don't come easy for this and the flashing cursor makes me want to bash in my monitor...but I wont.)

I am angry about giving Baby M up. Nobody likes to hear that coming from me, well, ya know what? Too bad. I am done struggling silently, I am done putting on a happy freaking face for everyone. I am angry and I am not hiding it anymore.

I am angry at my ex for cheating on me and forcing my hand. It was either termination or adoption, I picked the lesser of the two evils.
I am angry at miscarrying six times before Baby M and then giving the one child I have been able to bring to term up for adoption.
I am angry that she looks like E.
I am angry that on special holidays I am forgotten.
I am angry that people forget me and think an apology can cover it. It cant. Second year in a cant.

I am hurt that I am shoved aside by everyone and made to feel like less of a mother because I gave her up. You do it and tell me how "less" of a mom you feel.

Maybe I am more hurt than angry, but right now anger is easier to feel and manage. Okay, I cant manage the anger anymore, so maybe I should just face the hurt and get it over with. But I believe that as long as I maintain a connection to Baby M I will feel hurt and angry. I will probably always feel like anything anyone does is never enough.

I try to displace the blame/anger/guilt but it doesn't work. It falls back squarely on my shoulders. I made decisions that affected my own life and I could have decided to parent, but that seem too hard to me. Now I wish I would have given it a chance.

Anger, Anger
Go away, don't come back another day.

Didn't work. Shit. Do you think this means I actually have to deal with this?

Courgeous Clarifications

Originally posted May 12, 2006:

I have to clarify about my "courageous" comments in yesterday blog.

This particular woman I am speaking about is NOT being courageous, she is being selfish, ridiculous and impatient (the exact words of J). She has EXACTING specifications for what she wants in a birthmother and baby (since when can you order a person?). She is not willing to budge and does not think of the birthmother as a mother, but as the woman that is delivering HER child.

Are there woman/men that are courageous adopters? Those that take on special needs or orphaned children are courageous. Those that adopt selflessly and without expectation are courageous. Those that stand behind and beside the birth family, including them in the events of their child's life are courageous.

The parents of Baby M are courageous in my book. They took the risk of adoption with minimal expectation. They lost two children and were able to find it in there hearts to try to adopt (and risk a failed adoption). B & J have set a standard in my mind for adoption that I think should be outlined and followed. They are selfless, loving people that have made my journey of loosing Baby M much easier and less stressful. This is what, I believe, domestic adoption requires. Just because you are (in a sense) "buying" a baby, it does not discount the person that is GIVING you the baby. Because believe me, I didn't receive a DIME of the money that B & J paid for Baby M. However, B & J (as well as their families) were (and still are) generous to a fault!!!

This woman is NOT courageous, she is selfish and close minded. I don't feel that I should post her blog, but if you would like to see it and give an opinion, please email me and I will forward you the link.

My anger is diminishing....finally.

What am I missing?

Originally posted May 11, 2006:

(another adoption rant, hold on to your horses)

Heres what I don't understand....why are woman that are trying to adopt courageous? What are they being courageous about??? What are THEY going through? The pain of waiting? The pain of infertility? I'm sorry but what another person is about do for your (selflessly) is courageous. It is not courageous that you are willing to pay thousands of doesn't make you a better person than the birthmother. (B and J...this does NOT apply to you...this applies to that blog I sent you)

I am reading this one site about a couple going through an adoption journey and it sickens me. There is all this talk there about how wonderful and courageous they are and how they are doing such a wonderful thing by RESCUING a child. I'm sorry my baby didn't need RESCUING! I choose to give her up...she didn't get taken from me, there was never even the threat of that.

This person wont even LISTEN to reason...she is preparing for "her" baby before she is even matched!!!! That's just INSANE!!!! Are you trying to set yourself up for disappointment? That's just sounds selfish and wrong to me. I posted on her blog and sent her an email...she deleted it and sent me an email saying that my posts/emails are angry and confrontational and she doesn't want to communicate with me anymore. Well, that's just fine....but WHY don't you want to learn? Why don't you want to be educated? Why do you just want to live in your bubble?

I know that some women out there may have been forced into giving their children up for adoption, but I wasn't. I MADE THE CHOICE and I stand by my choice. But I am sick of all these negative websites I keep finding out there about how bad adoption is, for me it isn't. (Yet...I understand for some it may have been).

I also am starting to realize the pain and the first pains of regret have settled deep into my chest. I wonder what I am going to say to my daughter some day. I wonder what she is going to think of me. I wonder if she is going to be angry.

I know B and J will tell her the truth and will guide her each step of the way (and when I speak of selfish women wanting to adopt, J is NOT in that category...I understand her and I understand our unique situation), so I am hoping that she will not harbor too much angst or resentment for me.

Angry Beth should just go find some chocolate and hide. It took a while, but I am finally having emotions regarding Baby M.

Hello, Oh Touchy One

Originally posted May 10, 2006:

My subject today is going to be a little touchy and it is going to be all amount my stupid emotions that are swirling and gone hay wire. (you've been warned, so if you don't want to "hear" me bitch and moan, go away now)

I hate May.
I hate Mothers day.
I hate the hoopla of Mothers day.

Why do I hate May - simple, because of Mothers day.

Why do I hate Mothers day - well because everyone avoids me like the plague because I gave my daughter up for adoption. They think it is a taboo subject and it is best if they just avoid me, as well as gushing on about their mothers and the plans they have for her. Let me just tell you something....I may have given my daughter up for adoption, but she is still my daughter and I am still a mother. A simple "Are you alright?" would be wonderful...last year was met with silence and some people are already avoiding me. A simple "Happy Mothers day, you did a wonderful thing" would be fantastic. Not that I need the recognition, but I do need the reassurance sometimes.

Last year, I sat home alone and cried my eyes out...this year I am supposed to do something with my Mom, but I really don't feel like it. I really don't want to be with anyone. This whole week so far I have been a beast because I am hurting and I hate to feel my reaction is anger. I hate that. I hate that when I am hurt and scared, I lash out in anger.

I am finally feeling pain for Baby M and that makes me angry. She is in a wonderful home with wonderful parents and I am struggling. I am not supposed to struggle. I DON'T STRUGGLE. Period. I don't even LIKE kids....but this tug that I finally feel for Baby M is intense. Though when I saw her a few weeks ago and saw how loved she was by J and her sister, W...I didn't feel it then...isn't that bizarre.

Gosh I'm strange.

I sound selfish and self-serving...but you know what, its my blog and I will blog what I want too. (I'm crumpy today (that's grumpy and cranky))


Originally posted April 24, 2006:

When I woke up Sunday morning, I didn't really feel like walking SIX MILES. Yes, SIX MILES...I had originally thought that it was three miles, but I was misinformed and my bubble was burst Saturday night.

Ollie and I bucked up, strapped on our walking shoes and managed to struggle the six miles. Heck, if a pregnant woman can do it, while pushing a stroller that weighs 75+ pounds...I certainly can do it (I was NOT about to let J show me up.) It was a cool day, which was good, because if it would have been hot out, I would not have made it 600 yards.

J is fairly competitive, so we had to walk at a rather brisk pace because we ended up going out dead last. (Damn babies needing diaper changes! SHEESH!) However, we made up time quickly and ended up finishing mid pack...which really didn't matter because it WASN'T a race. Although, J didn't really was race to her.

I walked with J and her sister, W. Where was B, you ask? Well....the little weasel (or ass monkey, as it may be) claimed his back hurt. I didn't see a doctors excuse, no I did not. Plus he sounded just fine when I talked to him Saturday night...didn't sound crippled to me. I bet that he was all hunched over while J and W were still there with the kids, but once they left...I just KNOW that he was dancing the jig, probably doing back flips too. *sigh*

After the walk, we chowed down on pizza and then went for custard. It was heavenly.

Although...while eating custard, I learned some VERY disturbing kept me up all night. Brace yourselves. Baby M was sitting on my lap while I was eating my hot fudge sundae. I couldn't tease the child, so I gave her a few small spoonfuls of the yummy goodness. J informs me that Baby M has never had chocolate before!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN THAT BE??????????? How can she be depriving my child of CHOCOLATE????????????????? That's just not right and I believe the SEVEREST form of child abuse EVER!!!! I have a call into the attorney general and the PRESIDENT....must get these people locked away. I don't care about the goat sacrificing, but I will NOT condone the lack of chocolate in my child's diet. So very upsetting. I will be visiting more often JUST to make sure that Baby M gets her quota of chocolate. You think you know someone...sheesh.

Once we got home, Ollie and I napped. Well, Ollie napped and while napping, kept barking in his I just kept yelling at him to shut it...while trying to sleep. Didn't work very well. Little dork. The good part was that he didn't need anymore exercise for the rest of the night. I think I walked his little pads right off!

In Agreement

Originally posted April 21, 2006:

I sent J that blog about a couple trying to adopt....I didn't say anything to J in my email to her. Just to read the blogs about adoption and to give me her thoughts on it.

Because I think the owner of that blog, will be stopping by here, I wanted to share J's thoughts:

"Wow, To me it sounds like someone not ready to adopt, but someone who is adopting because they are out of options. They haven't really thought of the child's birthparents, and their feelings at all, or really what it would mean to the child to be adopted. They are only thinking that they want a baby, they just don't want an adoption, but that's their only option. It's really sad. She even says in one of her blogs, "once the baby is born, we are the parents" How can she discount the birthparent's role in the child's life and their love for the child. She just wants them to disappear. There is a reason that open adoption is becoming so popular, because it's healthier!!! I'm tempted to email her...

(It also sounds like all adoption facilitators aren't very good communicators!!)"

I totally agree with J and I hope that this woman realizes that she is just getting a baby, its a whole package. The birthparents don't just disappear. Sorry, but they don't.

I love you J!!! Thanks for being the wonderful person you are (B is okay...)

Ooh and when I blog about the emotions that B, J and I feel for each other...they are real...not just for entertainment purposes.


Originally posted April 21, 2006:

I was reading a blog today that really shocked me. It literally left my jaw hanging open.

The blog is about a couple that are trying to adopt. Their point of views and perceptions just STUN me, being a birthmother (as I am walking in these shoes). They don't want to meet the birthmother (other than possibly once), they want a semi-open adoption (which I can appreciate and thought was going to happen in my situation, but situations ready for anything) and only minimal contact with the birthmother after the baby is born.

I sat reading her blog, shaking my head....appalled at her thinking, at the way she thinks some woman is going to just hand her her child and walk away. SERIOUSLY? It just STUNS me that it seems that she doesn't care about the birthmother. What does she think that all these woman are crack-whores who could careless? I am sure there those type of woman giving up their babies, but I am betting the majority are scared kids or woman that have had an accident and are making the most loving choice possible.

Well - Hello, I am Beth. (no, crack-whore here. Crack-head, yes (not literally) When I gave my daughter up for adoption, I was 29 years old. I am white, work full time and was MARRIED. I have never done drugs or drank excessively (didn't drink at all during the pregnancy) and had all of my pre-natal care. I gave my daughter up because my husband was cheating and we were heading for divorce. We both sat down and discussed our options...for us (after 6 miscarriages) the time was not right for us to have a child together nor could we terminate. So we choose to find the right parents for our child.

If B & J would have told me that they never wanted to meet me and only wanted to come to the hospital to get my child, I would have LAUGHED in their faces. However, I am extremely blessed because B & J are the most incredible, sensitive people I have ever met in my life and I am truly blessed to have them on this journey with me. Thank you, Lord.

I became family to B & J. J came to every single of my pre-natal appointments, we talked on the phone, went to dinner and I went over to their house. They were PROUD to show me where they lived, they WANTED me to know their life style, not HIDE it from me.

Adoption is not something to be ashamed of. Not something to hide from your child, if you do, she will resent you. I am in Baby M's baby book and to see how much B & J included me....just made my heart soar FOR Baby M. They will protect her with their lives, but she will know where she came from, but will not be outcaste.

I am truly stunned that this woman was appalled to tell prospective birthmothers about her life and where she lived. This woman is giving you HER CHILD...LET HER IN!!!!!!!

Okay...I am done. I think. There may be more. I am very very stunned that someone would want to go just rip a baby from a mother and never look back. Ooh, one last thing...remember that the birthmother is interviewing YOU...NOT the other way around. SHE CHOOSES, not you!


Originally Posted April 18, 2006:

Yesterday, I was a wreck. For the first time since finding out I was pregnant, I actually grieved for my loss of Baby M. Yes, I know that I didn't loose her...but in a sense I did. I feel cleaner and more relaxed today.

B & J are the "eyes" that I had to write the disclaimer for, because I did not want them to think I was angry with them in any way. In true fashion of the wonderful people that they are, I received the most fantastic emails from both of them. They made me cry more....but they helped my heart to heal. Truly.

And being that I blog what I blog (and they understand that as they both told me in their emails....), I am going to share snippets of their emails...because they showed me what truly fantastic people they are and they put a patch over the bleeding.

From J (yes, B, I know she got to cut the cord...something's never change):
"I was worried about your feelings and wanted to call, I thought it was safer to let you find out and have time to react before we talked about it. I want you to know I understand your feelings, you have every right to have them as we worry the same thing for Mia. Not that we ever think of her as adopted, but we are worried that she will hear the word adopted more often now that we have Baby G."

Sheesh...does she know me or WHAT????

More from J:
"She is the only child we chose to have, there is something special in that."
Okay...that made me cry.

The thing that really made me feel better from J:
"Baby M will not be our only adopted child, and she will never feel like one, never doubt that."

Then B had to weigh in...he was more comical and making me laugh (as is true B style), but he also drew tears and helped to patch the wounded heart:
"Your feelings are important to us because we do care about you.
Believe me when I say I will always worry about how Baby M feels. She is so special to us because she is the only "planned" one. She is also the first healthy beautiful girl we were graced with and we will always appreciate her in a special way. She will never ever feel less special if I can help it."

More from B:
"I realize Baby M will unavoidably question some day and possibly have some pain and that kills me. I just want her to be happy and I can guarantee that she will always know she is loved at the very least. You know that and she will always know how much you love her."

Those words are truly helping me to heal. It means the world to me to know that these people will always make sure that Baby M knows I love her and didn't just toss her away.

I was worried that B & J would be upset that I blogged my feelings, instead of calling or writing them, but this is B's response:
"Blog away and don't you dare ever apologize for being you to us. I would rather you be the Beth we know and love and not someone who has to be careful about what they blog. Don't be shy 'cause that's just not you baby. I respect you for you and my list of respect is pretty short."

and this:
"keep blogging or another goat gets it
.....baaaa.....baaaa......------------------------ (flatline)."

I swear that I didn't know about the goats. yes, B$ you made me laugh and everything both of you said has truly helped this wounded heart to heal.

Good thing B$ and I have the same personality or we would be in t.r.o.u.b.l.e!!!

I am feeling much better today....


Orginally Posted April 17, 2006:

I haven't blogged about this subject in a long time and since this morning....this has been on my I am going to blog about it here.

The subject: Baby M.

I got pictures this morning of Baby M and of her sister Baby G (who is B & J's natural child). Along with the pictures was the announcement that B & J are pregnant again. My initial reaction was that I was thrilled, but right on the heels of that was dread and regret.

When I was searching for adoptive parents for Baby M my main criteria was that the parents could have no natural children. I guess I never really thought about how I would feel about it if children came along later. More importantly I guess I never thought about how Baby M would feel if she was the "outsider".

Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled when B & J told me that they were pregnant with Baby G. I couldn't have been happier about it. Later, I did harbor some reservations about Baby M being pushed aside...but those fears have been pretty much quieted...until now. I know that because the two girls are so close in age (8 months) B & J have to regularly explain that Baby M is adopted. In truth that bothers me. I don't want Baby M to feel that she is less important because she is not their "natural" child. Now with a second natural child on the way, I have a HUGE fear that Baby M is more than ever going to be out-casted as the "adopted" child.

I know in my heart that B & J are wonderful people, but I still have this fear. I know they wouldn't purposely outcast her...but yet, this fear has imbedded itself in my heart.

Honestly for the first time ever, I have a pang of regret for giving Baby M up. My heart is throbbing for her today...and I have this fear that she is going to feel like an outcast when she is older. I don't want that for her.

Maybe these fears are irrational, but for now they are mine and I am trying to work through them.

**I know that there are certain "eyes" that visit here...I couldn't call, please know that. Please know that when I gave you this blog, you would get the good and the bad. I will always love you both, but for once my heart is bleeding for Baby M, I am not angry with you, just feeling the full ramifications of my decision.**

An evening brought to you by pelvic rest

Orginally posted March 31, 2006:

I had a condition called placenta previa (which is the placenta covering the cervix and as the uterus grows, it starts to pull up and away from the cervix causing bleeding) during my pregnancy. The previa started to rear its ugly head during the 2nd trimester and I was put on pelvic rest (basically meaning no sex) at 20 weeks...which if you have ever been pregnant during the 2nd trimester all you can think about is sex. It was a challenge.

I met Jamie during my 2nd trimester. I told him right away about the pregnancy and the pending adoption. He was perfectly fine with it and extremely supportive. However, we couldn't have any "relations" (if you know what I mean) and with my current state of mind, that was relatively difficult.

One Saturday afternoon in October, B and J came over to visit (at that point I was on bed rest, I was about 28 weeks along) and to give me the news that they were pregnant. We were having a conversation about how difficult the last few weeks had been.

I cant remember the exact conversation....but I remember this part:

Brian: This has to be so tough on you. I cant wait till Baby M is born (she was already named at that point)
Me: Me too.
Jamie: That's what I'm waiting for.

The three of us just turned to him and bust out was so perfect. He swears he didn't mean for THAT...that he just couldn't wait till we were all through this. You should have seen how red he was hysterical.

From that point on B and I would do our best Barry White impressions and talk about "evenings brought to you by pelvic rest".

Our favorite line was "Fun from the waist up only". Ahh good times.

Super Sonic Blogging and Demonic Baby

Originally Posted March 31, 2006:

Last night I got to catchup with Baby M's Dad, B. I talk to J all the time, but rarely to talk to B (I think J just likes to hog me, personally. not that I blame her)

We were talking about my blog and how often I post. I told him that it doesn't take me that long because I type 90 words a minute. The conversation was a riot, because B has a very vivid imagination.

B: you type 90 words a minute?
Me: Yeah, so?
B: Don't your fingers bleed?
Me: *laughing* No they are made of teflon
B: I think that's super sonic speed
Me: Yup, there are constant sonic booms in my office.
B: *laughing* I can just see it now....BEEEETTTHHHH STTOOOOPPPP TYYYPPPPIINNNGGGG (as people are flying through the office, grabbing onto any stable surface, windows shattering, children screaming)
Me: Yes, because we have so many children in the office
*more laughter and giggling about super sonic typing*

B is so protective of me...he is like my big brother. They know Jamie well and thought that he was "the one" (as I did), so I find it very comforting to know that they are just as disappointed in him as I am and just as shocked. You guys only know what I tell you (the evil stuff basically) but they saw how wonderful he was to me and are so shocked that he has done a complete 180.

Well..Moose season is closed and there is a dead moose laying in my way. I wonder just how you dispose of moose???

Ooh, and Baby M was in the background while B was telling me that her bottle is like baby crack. All the sudden I hear in this particularly demonic voice "DAAADDD EEEEEEE". I just cracked up, because that is SOOOOO me. Apparently when she wants her food, there is no FOOLING around. B says you have to give it to her or risk loosing an eye. *sigh* She is so me.

B said that I also have to clarify that Baby M does look like me and has my facial expressions and we laugh the same way.

Comedic Timing

Originally posted March 7, 2006:

Little Baby M certainly has my sense of humor and timing.

When B & J went to court to have the adoption finalized they took Baby M with. When the judge banged the gavel and said that the adoption was final and official, Baby M stuck her tongue out and went "PPPPPTTTTTTFFFFFF". (Baby M was about 6 months old.) Apparently she didn't approve, it might have something to do with the goats.

Then when B & J had Baby G (their natural daughter), Mia was about 8 months old. They took Baby M to the hospital and said "Look M, this is your little sister G". M looked at G and again went "PPPPPPTTTTTTTFFFFFFF".

I think that is the best. They also have a picture of what Baby M originally thought of her sister. She is giving her the nastiest "ummm, just WHY would you put THAT next to me????" (I will have to try to find it).

At least she has my personality...

Originally posted March 6, 2006:

So it is no lie that Baby M got E's looks, but she sure as HECK got my personality. I got pictures from B & J today and it made me smile to see the very first pic of the album...because it is SOOOOO me. I am not kidding you.

She has this look on her face like "you have GOT to be kidding me". It is one of my many faces.

I love getting pictures from B & J, because I can see how loved she is and it makes me breath a little easier. I sometimes struggle with the fact that I gave the only child I was able to carry to term up, but I am mainly at peace with it, because deep in my soul these people were MEANT to have her. She was not meant to be with me.

Besides the sacrificing of goats...they are good people. And yes, I am able to look past the goats. Besides, its only in the basement.

**disclaimer: B & J do not sacrifice goats...its a joke from the day we signed off on our parental rights**

The Bigger they are the harder they fall...

Originally Posted February 22, 2006:

*don't mind me...I am on roll about Baby M today*

My ex, E, wasn't quiet believing me that the pregnancy was a viable one and that it was going to go to term. So, he insisted that he go with me to one of my weekly ultra sounds (I was having weekly ultra sounds because I was high risk). Which was fine.

I was 10 weeks along at that point. So Dr. E turns off the lights and E comes and stands next to me, between the table and the wall. She starts the ultra sound and the baby pops up on the TV monitor on the wall. She starts describing it, you could see the little arms and legs, plus the baby was squirming around.

I looked over at E, because he was breathing pretty hard. Then all the sudden, his eyes roll back into his head and he slides down to the ground. I said "Dr. E, we have a problem here..."

Thank goodness for panic buttons in exam rooms!!!! He has never lived down that he FAINTED during the ultra sound. Even during the 4D, he got pretty woozy and had to sit down.

And that's why men don't have babies.

The black boy

Originally posted February 22, 2006:

This is my most favorite memory of Baby M's adoptive mom, J.

J and B prayed for a healthy baby, no matter the sex, first and foremost...but deep down they wanted a girl. They had everything for a girl from the twins (that they lost) and they were just ready for a girl.

The night before the 4D ultra sound, J had, as she calls it, a nightmare. B said she woke up crying and he could not get her to settle down.

So, she is telling E and I about the dream. She dreamed that we were in the delivery room, and as the baby came out she was stunned. The nurse showed it to her and it was a black boy.

J said she looked and me, started crying and said "What am I supposed to do with a BOY?" She wasn't at all upset that it was black, which she wouldn't have been. But seeing as E and I are both white... I would have had some explaining to do.

When Baby M came by emergency c-section, J was in the operating room with me. She was crying and I turned my head to look at her and said "So, is it a black boy?" Everyone in the room fell silent, but J and I laughed. I knew the entire pregnancy that it was a girl. I love J.

The Best People In The World

Originally Posted February 22, 2006:

Lately I have been really instead of continuing with negative thoughts and crap. I thought I would share about my relationship with Baby M's (adoptive) Parents. For their continued privacy, they will be called B (dad) & J (mom).

I was early in my pregnancy, about 8 weeks, that I made the decision to give Baby M up for adoption. I shouldn't say I, because my ex-husband (E) and I, did mutually agree...but in the beginning it was my decision to make, as it was my body that was going to have to endure this for the next 9 months.

E wanted me to terminate the pregnancy and at 28, I just couldn't. I couldn't find it in me to terminate this little life that was fighting so hard to live. From the first doctors appointment, she was not supposed to make it...but she did.

So, after a ton of research, I found an agency in a town near me that seemed to be good. (Bethany Christian Services). I talked to our birth mother coordinator, L, several times on the phone and then set up an appointment. E and I went to meet with L and we thought it would be a good service to go through. All of their perspective parents were pre-screened, christen and financially able to handle a baby.

E and I took home about 12 profiles. I didn't look through them until the weekend, when one of my best friend, Heidi, who was supporting me through the entire pregnancy came over to visit with me. Her and I were looking through the profiles, I kept setting one aside. I read through it...but I just didn't know. I showed it to Heidi, she agreed it was good but we should look through them all. After every profile that I read through, I would pick up the one I had set aside. I was just so drawn to this profile.

I showed it to E and he agreed that we should call the agency and get the phone number of the prospective parents. So the next day I did.

What grabbed me in the profile was that they had lost twin girls five months into their pregnancy and they wanted to give them a "sibling". They weren't trying to replace what they lost, they were just trying to build or re-build their family. They had pictures of their cats (one cat had her paws in men's was hysterical), of their family, of their home and of their church.

I basically only had two criteria when I was looking through the couples: They couldn't have any other children (adopted or natural) and they had to be Lutheran.

I believe it was July 1st that was the fateful day. I called L and told her that I was interested in B & J. She said that they were wonderful people and that I would like them. I got the number and called. The outgoing message was in Spanish. I hung up and redialed, thinking that I misdialed, nope I got the same thing. So, I called back L and asked her to check the number. She said it was correct, that B had a sense of humor. So, I called again and left a message. I left my work number because I wanted to hear from them right away.

J called me back about 2 hours after I had called and left a message on their machine. We talked for about a half hour and it just felt so right, so easy. I loved her the second we spoke and hung up with an awesome feeling. We set an appointment for later that week to meet at the agency.

E and I were so nervous. When we got to the agency, they were there already but we waited for them to go in ahead of us. When we walked in, we were officially introduced and everyone exchanged hugs and handshakes. We thought the whole purpose of having the first meeting at the agency was so that L could make us feel more comfortable. That wasn't the case at all. The first half hour was very uncomfortable, but then we started to play a game and we all relaxed. We were there for over 2 hours.

L wanted to wrap the meeting up, so I looked J in the eyes and said "if you want my child, she is yours." I just knew that they were the ones that were sent to me to raise her.

B and I have much of the same personality and sense of humor. We get along very well and are very close. They were always wary that there was always that "chance" that we could change our minds. But I had made them a promise and I could never do that to anyone that I loved. I truly fell in love with these people and their families.

So, that is how Baby M came to find her wonderful parents. Even though they let her watch March of the Penguins. I will find a way to forgive them.

There are so many stories to share...but I will do that separately so that it is easier reading. I really enjoyed remembering this story. choice.

Originally Posted January 9, 2006: choice..
Okay, so there have been no bad comments on here (yet) about the decision that my ex and I made to give M up for adoption. But, boy lately people have just been giving me an earful about it. People that don’t even matter in my I just let it roll off my back.

I guess, I could have made a different choice for M. I could have terminated the pregnancy...and 10 years ago...maybe I would have, but at that point in my life, I just couldn’t. The decision to give her up for adoption hit me at a very weird time (I was 12 weeks pregnant) and I found the adoptive parents pretty easily. The first time I talked to B & J I knew that they were the parents of our baby girl. They are amazingly wonderful people. (they lost twins 5 months into their pregnancy, and then when I was 8 months pregnant they found out they were pregnant...they now have to healthy happy baby girls). do I have my days where I am sad and I struggle with giving up M? Yup...I sure do, but I can honestly tell you that I have never regretted it. When B & J found out they were pregnant, I worried that M would feel weird because she wasn’t their "natural" child...but that fear was quickly put to rest. Sometimes, I wonder if I could have handle raising her, but then when I take an honest look at my nutso life...I know that I did. My Ex, E, and I would never have been able to raise her together. For awhile, we could barely get along for Elmo's sake.

If anyone that visits this site ever wants to talk to me more about adoption...don’t hesitate to email me...I am an open book (obviously) and will help anyway I can.

So those are my thoughts of the day on adoption...I may add more later. I had a horrible last trimester of maybe I will write about those "adventures" soon.