Orginally Posted April 17, 2006:
I haven't blogged about this subject in a long time and since this morning....this has been on my mind...so I am going to blog about it here.
The subject: Baby M.
I got pictures this morning of Baby M and of her sister Baby G (who is B & J's natural child). Along with the pictures was the announcement that B & J are pregnant again. My initial reaction was that I was thrilled, but right on the heels of that was dread and regret.
When I was searching for adoptive parents for Baby M my main criteria was that the parents could have no natural children. I guess I never really thought about how I would feel about it if children came along later. More importantly I guess I never thought about how Baby M would feel if she was the "outsider".
Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled when B & J told me that they were pregnant with Baby G. I couldn't have been happier about it. Later, I did harbor some reservations about Baby M being pushed aside...but those fears have been pretty much quieted...until now. I know that because the two girls are so close in age (8 months) B & J have to regularly explain that Baby M is adopted. In truth that bothers me. I don't want Baby M to feel that she is less important because she is not their "natural" child. Now with a second natural child on the way, I have a HUGE fear that Baby M is more than ever going to be out-casted as the "adopted" child.
I know in my heart that B & J are wonderful people, but I still have this fear. I know they wouldn't purposely outcast her...but yet, this fear has imbedded itself in my heart.
Honestly for the first time ever, I have a pang of regret for giving Baby M up. My heart is throbbing for her today...and I have this fear that she is going to feel like an outcast when she is older. I don't want that for her.
Maybe these fears are irrational, but for now they are mine and I am trying to work through them.
**I know that there are certain "eyes" that visit here...I couldn't call, please know that. Please know that when I gave you this blog, you would get the good and the bad. I will always love you both, but for once my heart is bleeding for Baby M, I am not angry with you, just feeling the full ramifications of my decision.**