Orginally Posted April 17, 2006:
I haven't blogged about this subject in a long time and since this morning....this has been on my mind...so I am going to blog about it here.
The subject: Baby M.
I got pictures this morning of Baby M and of her sister Baby G (who is B & J's natural child). Along with the pictures was the announcement that B & J are pregnant again. My initial reaction was that I was thrilled, but right on the heels of that was dread and regret.
When I was searching for adoptive parents for Baby M my main criteria was that the parents could have no natural children. I guess I never really thought about how I would feel about it if children came along later. More importantly I guess I never thought about how Baby M would feel if she was the "outsider".
Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled when B & J told me that they were pregnant with Baby G. I couldn't have been happier about it. Later, I did harbor some reservations about Baby M being pushed aside...but those fears have been pretty much quieted...until now. I know that because the two girls are so close in age (8 months) B & J have to regularly explain that Baby M is adopted. In truth that bothers me. I don't want Baby M to feel that she is less important because she is not their "natural" child. Now with a second natural child on the way, I have a HUGE fear that Baby M is more than ever going to be out-casted as the "adopted" child.
I know in my heart that B & J are wonderful people, but I still have this fear. I know they wouldn't purposely outcast her...but yet, this fear has imbedded itself in my heart.
Honestly for the first time ever, I have a pang of regret for giving Baby M up. My heart is throbbing for her today...and I have this fear that she is going to feel like an outcast when she is older. I don't want that for her.
Maybe these fears are irrational, but for now they are mine and I am trying to work through them.
**I know that there are certain "eyes" that visit here...I couldn't call, please know that. Please know that when I gave you this blog, you would get the good and the bad. I will always love you both, but for once my heart is bleeding for Baby M, I am not angry with you, just feeling the full ramifications of my decision.**
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2 comments:
I can understand why you would feel the way you do. I have talked with adoptive families who have actually felt the way you do. They are scared as to what kind of dynamics they are going to face one they bring an additional biological child into the home. So you are not alone in feeling the was you do. It's not you being critical at all. It's you being honest about how you feel.
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