Originally posted May 10, 2006:
My subject today is going to be a little touchy and it is going to be all amount my stupid emotions that are swirling and gone hay wire. (you've been warned, so if you don't want to "hear" me bitch and moan, go away now)
I hate May.
I hate Mothers day.
I hate the hoopla of Mothers day.
Why do I hate May - simple, because of Mothers day.
Why do I hate Mothers day - well because everyone avoids me like the plague because I gave my daughter up for adoption. They think it is a taboo subject and it is best if they just avoid me, as well as gushing on about their mothers and the plans they have for her. Let me just tell you something....I may have given my daughter up for adoption, but she is still my daughter and I am still a mother. A simple "Are you alright?" would be wonderful...last year was met with silence and some people are already avoiding me. A simple "Happy Mothers day, you did a wonderful thing" would be fantastic. Not that I need the recognition, but I do need the reassurance sometimes.
Last year, I sat home alone and cried my eyes out...this year I am supposed to do something with my Mom, but I really don't feel like it. I really don't want to be with anyone. This whole week so far I have been a beast because I am hurting and I hate to feel pain...so my reaction is anger. I hate that. I hate that when I am hurt and scared, I lash out in anger.
I am finally feeling pain for Baby M and that makes me angry. She is in a wonderful home with wonderful parents and I am struggling. I am not supposed to struggle. I DON'T STRUGGLE. Period. I don't even LIKE kids....but this tug that I finally feel for Baby M is intense. Though when I saw her a few weeks ago and saw how loved she was by J and her sister, W...I didn't feel it then...isn't that bizarre.
Gosh I'm strange.
I sound selfish and self-serving...but you know what, its my blog and I will blog what I want too. (I'm crumpy today (that's grumpy and cranky))