Originally Posted April 18, 2006:
Yesterday, I was a wreck. For the first time since finding out I was pregnant, I actually grieved for my loss of Baby M. Yes, I know that I didn't loose her...but in a sense I did. I feel cleaner and more relaxed today.
B & J are the "eyes" that I had to write the disclaimer for, because I did not want them to think I was angry with them in any way. In true fashion of the wonderful people that they are, I received the most fantastic emails from both of them. They made me cry more....but they helped my heart to heal. Truly.
And being that I blog what I blog (and they understand that as they both told me in their emails....), I am going to share snippets of their emails...because they showed me what truly fantastic people they are and they put a patch over the bleeding.
From J (yes, B, I know she got to cut the cord...something's never change):
"I was worried about your feelings and wanted to call, I thought it was safer to let you find out and have time to react before we talked about it. I want you to know I understand your feelings, you have every right to have them as we worry the same thing for Mia. Not that we ever think of her as adopted, but we are worried that she will hear the word adopted more often now that we have Baby G."
Sheesh...does she know me or WHAT????
More from J:
"She is the only child we chose to have, there is something special in that."
Okay...that made me cry.
The thing that really made me feel better from J:
"Baby M will not be our only adopted child, and she will never feel like one, never doubt that."
Then B had to weigh in...he was more comical and making me laugh (as is true B style), but he also drew tears and helped to patch the wounded heart:
"Your feelings are important to us because we do care about you.
Believe me when I say I will always worry about how Baby M feels. She is so special to us because she is the only "planned" one. She is also the first healthy beautiful girl we were graced with and we will always appreciate her in a special way. She will never ever feel less special if I can help it."
More from B:
"I realize Baby M will unavoidably question some day and possibly have some pain and that kills me. I just want her to be happy and I can guarantee that she will always know she is loved at the very least. You know that and she will always know how much you love her."
Those words are truly helping me to heal. It means the world to me to know that these people will always make sure that Baby M knows I love her and didn't just toss her away.
I was worried that B & J would be upset that I blogged my feelings, instead of calling or writing them, but this is B's response:
"Blog away and don't you dare ever apologize for being you to us. I would rather you be the Beth we know and love and not someone who has to be careful about what they blog. Don't be shy 'cause that's just not you baby. I respect you for you and my list of respect is pretty short."
"keep blogging or another goat gets it
I swear that I didn't know about the goats. yes, B$ you made me laugh and everything both of you said has truly helped this wounded heart to heal.
Good thing B$ and I have the same personality or we would be in t.r.o.u.b.l.e!!!
I am feeling much better today....