Originally posted May 18, 2006:
I am consumed by anger. And I mean, consumed.
I am not an angry person...I am easy going and basically unflappable...but lately my anger is so hot and strong, it is hard to control.
I know the general source of my anger, but not the true reason.
I have no strength left to hide and camouflage it anymore.
Plus the desire to put on the happy face is gone. Gone.
(Words don't come easy for this and the flashing cursor makes me want to bash in my monitor...but I wont.)
I am angry about giving Baby M up. Nobody likes to hear that coming from me, well, ya know what? Too bad. I am done struggling silently, I am done putting on a happy freaking face for everyone. I am angry and I am not hiding it anymore.
I am angry at my ex for cheating on me and forcing my hand. It was either termination or adoption, I picked the lesser of the two evils.
I am angry at miscarrying six times before Baby M and then giving the one child I have been able to bring to term up for adoption.
I am angry that she looks like E.
I am angry that on special holidays I am forgotten.
I am angry that people forget me and think an apology can cover it. It cant. Second year in a row....it cant.
I am hurt that I am shoved aside by everyone and made to feel like less of a mother because I gave her up. You do it and tell me how "less" of a mom you feel.
Maybe I am more hurt than angry, but right now anger is easier to feel and manage. Okay, I cant manage the anger anymore, so maybe I should just face the hurt and get it over with. But I believe that as long as I maintain a connection to Baby M I will feel hurt and angry. I will probably always feel like anything anyone does is never enough.
I try to displace the blame/anger/guilt but it doesn't work. It falls back squarely on my shoulders. I made decisions that affected my own life and I could have decided to parent, but that seem too hard to me. Now I wish I would have given it a chance.
Go away, don't come back another day.
Didn't work. Shit. Do you think this means I actually have to deal with this?